I don't know if anyone warned me that when I started to think about dating that it would be so confusing. I thought that people would just be honest and clear with each other what their intentions were and skip the bullshit but apparently not.
I had dished to the maintenance guy, gotten over my childish crush and all honesty wasn't even hurt by the fact that he didn't even really seem to want to be friends. Fast forward to September long weekend. While at the lake I don't get cell phone reception so driving back when I turn on my cell imagine my surprise to have received a text from him saturday afternoon asking what I was doing that night. First off I didn't know who the text was from cause even though he had given all us girls in the lab his number so we could text him and what not, I ignored it and when on as if I didn't have it. So once I figured out who it was said sorry I was out of town and left it at that.
Now that brings us to this weekend. A bunch of us were going out Friday night so instead of not including him out of spite like the last time cause we "weren't sure if there were going to be enough people for it to be considered a group" we invited him and at least gave him a chance to say no. Well he already had plans so did say no, but then asked me to a movie.
I love movies why the hell not go. Uhmmm I kind of assumed that a few people were going to be there given the previous statements made. Not so much, just the two of us. He paid (good start) but that's as far as it went. He didn't make any moves and that's totally fine I guess I just don't understand what his deal is.
I've been sitting at 168-170 pounds for a few weeks now. I keep forgetting to make a fill appt and I really need one! I was going to take a bootcamp at work but it filled up before I got to register. Totally sucks but I'm going to try and find something else to get me active. Although I can't afford anything right now.
Money's tight. I literally have $40 in my account and $1 available credit on my visa right now. Get paid this friday thank god but it's pretty much all accounted for. I went crazy buying clothes and wasn't being very responsible and now it's catching up to me.
So this payday time to get back to my cash budget, weekly allowances and such. Especially with Christmas quickly approaching, yikes! Gonna need some extra cash soon to pay my deductable to get my roof/ceiling fixed. Oh man I hate being a grown up! :(
I'm heading in all of the right directions right now as far as I'm concerned. I'm back down to 170 pounds after my most recent fill two weeks ago now I guess. I'm at 6.0 mL which I feel pretty good at and think I can stay here for a while, I've had a couple PB issues at the volume this time around even though I was at 6.5 previously and I believe it's mostly cause I had gotten lazy with the un-fill and forgotten to chew chew chew, wait and chew some more. I'm getting back into the routine and I'm feeling good about the level I'm at. Since I've re-reached my 170 goal I'm getting my hair done again on Saturday, yesh! Friday night I'm heading out with some girls from work and a few other girlfriends to Whiskey Dix (local country/top 40 bar, yes that is really it's name.) I haven't been to the bar in forever and I'm curious if I will get noticed at all. I was always the token fat friend in the past all my girlfriends would get noticed and drinks bought for them and then there was me... We'll see, I'll have a blast either way!

I made a very bold and un-Leslee like decision/move Monday and while I still feel like a bit of a dumb ass about it I also feel better for it. So I know I had mentioned before that I have had this thing for a guy at work aptly nicknamed "Hot Todd." I was getting really confused cause I was getting some hugely mixed messages from him. Whenever I was around him I got more of the vibe like he'd just like to be friends but then I'd get these random texts and e-mails and stuff that kind of left me thinking maybe he might be interested. So what brought on my uncharacteristic move? One of the girls from work was chatting with him on Facebook on Friday evening and decided to try and get the low-down for me. Basically what came out of it was yes he thought/knew I had a thing for him but also thought that I would be "an awesome friend." While disappointing it was also kind of relieving to finally find out. I'm kind of shy, okay really shy for the most part. I had to get it over with so I sent him a message on facebook and told him that yes I do/did have a thing for him but I know you're not interested blah blah blah maybe we can be friends. His response... maybe only in group settings to be "fair to me." I took this to mean basically that I just freaked him out big time and he doesn't want to be friends which is cool with me but just be honest! I kind of can't stand white lies like that. If you're not comfortable being my friend cause I had feelings for you just say so! One of the girls at work thinks that he genuinely thinks its better if we're friends but only hanging out in groups so I don't get the wrong message. Yeah cause all the random texts and links to romantic songs/video's you e-mailed me didn't send any conflicting messages at all. Oh, well. I kind of feel like I've been led on and it sucks ass so if I ever do this to someone or have done it to someone in the past I'm so sorry! 

As embarrassed as I am having told him that I had a thing for him I feel like it's helped me to just get over it and move on to find someone that is interested. No more wasted thoughts over him and I'm going in the right direction in another aspect of life.As for the online dating stuff. There's a couple more guys I've been in contact with that I can see myself meeting up with and seeing where things go. 

I was at a family wedding a couple weeks ago and want to post a few pictures from it but they're on my Dad's camera so I've got to wait until he brings it back for me to load them. I thought I looked great and my sister-in-law said I looked awesome I've just got to see the pics to believe it. I wore this cute empire waist style dress with a black bottom, white top with black swirls on it, scoop neck and cap sleeves.

The hospital my lab is associated with puts on a boot camp each spring/fall so I'm going to sign up for it this time. It will be for the month of September on M,W,F 4:30-5:30 and it's only $80 so I can't complain. The time and price couldn't be better. One of my co-workers did it last year and said that she did more running than she expected but that's fine with me. I've always kind of wished I was a "runner" and I know my dog would love it so maybe this will give me a kick start.

So hump day is almost over and so is the summer. Hope everyone enjoys every last moment of it. The pic below is from one of our Girl's Nights In earlier this summer. It's just taken forever for me to put it up.

Since my last post, lord knows how long ago that was I haven't been doing as fantastic as I could have hoped. Or would like for that matter. My un-fill life saving able to get fluids down day was great, for a day! I have yet to get any restriction back and I think I'm now back up to about 5 or 5.5 mL in the band. I've been back in twice since the un-fill and got 2 mL each time. So yeah 5.5 would make more sense. I'm eating as though I have no little plastic ring inside of me with a little saline inner tube. It is mortifying!!!!!!! At first the scale stayed steady. And then it just gradually kept on creeping. Well hell when you can eat whatever you want and however much of it you want that's whats gonna happen. We all know that, and that's why we're in this situation. I have an appointment tomorrow morning and I am envisioning myself on my knees begging for just 1 mL more. Usually at this point they seem to like and increase by only about 0.25-0.5 mL at a time. So what is that nasty mean scale saying anyways? It's tell me that I'm weighing a very regressed 174 pounds. Not too bad in the grand scheme but I was at 164 thank you very much! If you might recall a while back I had a 170 goal to get my hair done and I had far surpassed that. I'm completely bummed out by this to say the least.
In other news, which I'm still rather upset about, I had to put my cat Lekili down about two weeks ago :( She as only ten and for those of you who have or had cats this is fairly young. I had started to notice that she was losing weight and as strange as it sounds was being exceptionally "friendly" for her. I had a vet come to the house, we did some blood work and unfortunately it turned out that she was in kidney failure. I then made an appointment with our regular vet to go over the results and learn how to give her some fluids. I kept up the fluids for just over a week but it was not helping and she was actually deteriorating very fast. It had gotten to the point where she wouldn't eat or drink and slept most of the time. When she did come around you could tell she was having trouble walking and would take frequent breaks trying to get to her destination. She couldn't handle stairs anymore either and started making her "own" litterbox. So sad! I still come home expecting to see her curled up on my bed and go to bed expecting her to come curl up on my hip like she always did.
I went and did some shopping yesterday. Retail therapy we'll say. I was in desperate need for some new tops and jeans since everything top wise was at least two sizes too big. I ended up buying a few tops and the gap had an awesome sale on their denim, buy one get the second for 25$. So I know I probably shouldn't have but I bought the jeans in 12's since that was where I was before putting that 10 pounds back on and I'm determined that it wont last for very long. I also picked up a few cute skirts, some leggings, and a tunic style dress. I've got a family wedding to go to this weekend so hopefully I'll get some pics of me all gussied up to post.
Oh! I can't believe I almost forgot to put this. I recently (maybe two weeks ago now?) went on my very first date EVER. Crazy I know. It was with a guy I met on one of the dating sites I've thrown myself out there with. How'd it go? Uhmmm... it didn't. First off why I even agreed to go mini-golfing is kind of beyond me cause I'm terrible at it and being a bit of a perfectionist it pisses me off when I can't do something. There was just nothing there. He seemed like a nice enough guy, I don't know if he was really nervous or something it was just really hard to get any information out of him. I did feel really bad later though cause he asked if he could call me again and my response was "Sure." When really what I was thinking was, no please don't. Thankfully (or not) he e-mailed me again to see if he could call (not sure why?) but regardless it let me say no through e-mail instead of the phone. I guess it seemed easier to turn someone down that way. It's terrible! I'm new at this what do you want from me!
Ok so I know at least one person wasn't able to see my vlog so here's a quick re-cap and update.
Un-fill: I wasn't able to wait until my scheduled appointment since I was having trouble even with fluids. My surgeons are really great so I just gave the clinic a call and they asked me to meet them at the hospital they practice out of which just so happens to be where I work. I ended up getting 5cc of the 6.5 I had taken out (a little drastic I thought) but felt relieved immediately. I have an appointment this coming Tuesday evening for a fill and thank goodness! While I needed to get some fill out I've been eating as if I didn't have a band and add that to getting my period for the first time in 3 months things haven't exactly been pretty.
Online Dating: I think I've put myself on like 3 or 4 online dating sites now. I'm not really sure what to expect or how it all works. I'm just going to take it as it comes and go with the flow. I do have to admit that one of them (plenty of fish) that had been recommended to me by a friend is so far kind of disappointing. Lots of response from it, just not the kind I want. I don't know if I have a big stamp on my forehead or something that I can't see that says "Proposition Me for Anonymous Sex." I judge no one and if that's your thing by all means go right ahead. And honestly I might be a little jealous of your freedom being a virgin and all but this is not how I want to start out.
Clothes: This has quickly become an addiction! I'd forgotten what it's like to shop in a mall, in Winnipeg the "big girl" clothes are separated from the mall experience in box stores and I've felt left out for a while. Last week I picked up a couple pairs of shorts (haven't bought and actually worn shorts happily in about 8 or 9 years I'd say), couple tanks, pair of khaki's, some gorgeous heels (I'll put pictures up later) and some pretty undies! I was so excited to go into La Senza (Canadian version of Victoria Secret) and buy panties it's not even funny. I always wanted pretty sexy undies but I was never able to fit into them. From the stuff I picked up most of it was a size large for the tops/bottoms or a size 12 bottom. I think I'm pretty much exactly what I weighed at the end of high school now. It's kind of crazy. I had also bought a dress for a wedding this summer but I'm returning it. They only had a 10 so I bought it and thought I'd try it with my tummy tuck in a box (TTIB or Spanx) but I'm just not comfortable with it. I'm kind of considering maybe keeping it though cause it will fit eventually but I could use that 80$ for something else. Oh I don't know!
Busy week at work last week. I can't even begin to describe how ridiculous it was. I did take advantage of that excuse to party it up this weekend though. We went to one of the girls places after work on Friday for drinks. It was such a blast! Someone remembered a camera thankfully so here's some pics (and I might add that I actually LIKE the way I look in them, thats a big step for me!)


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I know I haven't been around much lately. I wish I could say it's because I've been so busy living but it's not that. I've more or less just been really really lazy.
My parents put their house up for sale a month ago approximately and moved in with me... It still hasn't sold and I'm going a little stir crazy. It's funny how I've gotten used to living on my own so quickly and how it drives me nuts to have them around all the time! I guess that's also part of the reason I haven't posted as that I feel like I need my space and privacy to be able to post. With my Mom always hanging around and looking over my shoulder I just couldn't write anything. I love her to bits but there are things I don't need or want to share with her. On top of my parents living with me they also brought their dog and the two cats. It was manageable until last week when my brother shipped his dog out here for the season. I went from having my house to myself to it being 3 people, 3 dogs and 2 cats. I felt like putting a sign out to advertise the new petting zoo in the neighbourhood!
Some of you suggested a while back after my mini-meltdown that I get out of my comfort zone. I've been working on it! If you lived in Winnipeg and were browsing the singles websites out there you would find me on three of them now... I've been sending out e-mails and messages galore but nothing has come from any of them yet.
Part of what led to my meltdown looking at things retrospectively now was the never ending flirtation I had/have going on with a certain co-worker known in the lab as "Hot Todd the Maintenance Guy" I guess I was confused as to what was going on there since I really do like him quite a bit and get the school girl like butterflies every time I see and talk to him (or for that matter even think about him). And there has definitely been some obvious flirting going on on both of our parts. I asked a couple girlfriends at work if maybe I was imagining this since I'm not exactly experienced and they set my mind at ease in a sense that I wasn't imagining him flirting back! Then I sent one of them on a mission to find out if he was single or not. Yup definitely single. At which point I just got upset, really upset cause I realized that this flirting game that was going on was as far is it was going to go. He's not really interested or looking for anything and that would be why he wasn't making any sort of a move, that's what I think at least!
Band related. I'm weighing in a 165.5 pounds today. I've had a rough couple weeks food wise. Can't seem to keep much solid foods down and definitely have not been getting enough calories into to lose weight. I have an appointment Tuesday morning and I'm going to ask for an un-fill. I can't tolerate this anymore. Yes I want smaller portions but I also need to be able to eat! I feel like I'm just starving myself right now. I'm exhausted and cranky.
The part that confuses me is that I thought/assumed that as you lost weight you would need more fill. Less fat pushing on the band to create restriction so you would need more saline... no?? Whatever the case may be I need some saline out and to eat some food.
We're going out for lunch tomorrow at work... not sure what I'm going to have since I PB'd pretty bad yesterday and have put myself on liquids. We're going to a dim sum restaurant so maybe I'll get some consomme or something. One of the students families owns the place so I guess I can always order something not on the menu if need be.
Had the day off for Canada Day today. Happy Birthday Canada! Just watched some True Blood and made some coconut macaroons to take to work. I've been depressed and I clean and bake when I'm depressed. Yesterday I vacuumed and washed the windows so I had to move onto baking today. They smelled delish too bad I cant eat em!
Independence Day is coming up for all of my friends south of the border. This also happens to be my youngest nephew's 13th birthday. Yowza those kids are growing fast! They're both officially teenagers now. His brother will be 15 in august. They are both taller than me and it kind of freaks me out. I better get used to it though.
Well... I guess a formerly fluffy god mother. An extra big thanks to Fluffy who not only is my 30th follower she also forced me to take a step back from yesterday's a-bomb of a post and re-assess.

She asked some tough and extremely valid questions of me that we should all do periodically I think.
1) Do you love yourself?
Yes, I do love myself. I think what everyone read yesterday was me at rock bottom. I've slept it off and had a nice long bath to wash away my tear hangover. I do love me. I love that for the most part I am confident being me whether or not I am alone. There are lots of qualities in myself that I truly believe I possess that make me the person I am. In no particular order I love that I am: kind, caring, humorous (at times), blond (yes you read that right) and have green eyes (not blue!), good at cooking/baking/knitting/crocheting/painting insert any crafty method here, true to friendships, honest, spontaneous at times, helpful and the list could go on.
2) Do you think you are worthy of someone loving you?
Yes again. I KNOW that I am worthy of someone loving me. The part where I get upset and end up writing and saying everything from yesterday is how come as of yet no one has seen all of these qualities in me and loved me? I don't think I'm unapproachable there must be someone out there who has looked at me and thought that I'm attractive and that they could like me so why in 25 years has no one ever expressed this? Why why why? I'm not about to be the one doing the pursuing I think that if someone is interested in me they are going to take the first step.
I don't know! I'm confused just totally and completely confused!

On another topic and completely un-related to yesterdays drama. The scale this morning was a rather pleasant surprise. I know it's only because it was a morning weigh in and I haven't eaten much the last few days and been really busy/active but (drum roll please)...... 164.5 pounds! I'm trying to remember when I last weighed this much. Yup can't remember. So here's what I do know. When I graduated high school at 18 years old (so 7 years ago) I was a size 10/12 on the bottom and L on top. Today I'm sporting size 14 jeans belt necessary and might need to go shopping again since I bought them about 10 pounds ago and an XL on top. Now I'm not sure the XL on top will change since I've been blessed (if we can call it that) with a pretty big chest. Although that top I showed in my post last week the green one from the gap is a large and not toooo tight in the chest so with some tummy toning I might eventually be able to wear a large. I have way way way more energy. Sometimes I even catch myself in the afternoon going to look at the clock and thinking "This day will never end" because I still have energy so I expect it to be 1:30 or 2:00 only when in reality it turns out to be more like 4:00 or 4:30ish. It's a nice surprise!

Tomorrow night I'm doing my first ever Partylite show for my friend A from college. I'm excited and nervous all at once. But I've just got to remember that I love the product and if I let this show then others will too!

Hope everyone is enjoying the rest of their weekends. It's finally sunny out here thank god!!! I'm going to get sit out on my deck and get some sunshine!