I haven't been posting much lately mostly cause of the whole "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." But tonight I'm gonna tell little thumper to screw cause I need to get some stuff off my chest and talk/write it out to myself and maybe get some clarity or peace of mind.

I've just really felt kind of low for the past 3 or 4 weeks. I can't even pin point one specific moment or incident that may have fueled this but I just kind of feel craptastic. I kind of thought maybe this was turning around at the beginning of the week after I'd gotten my hair done because all the attention I was getting from having a fabulous colour and cut was making me feel beautiful and maybe even a bit wanted. But that didn't last long. It's so vain and self involved of me to think that a hair cut and do all this but I did/do not sure which yet. People I don't talk with much were complimenting me and I've been getting second looks wherever I go.

At a certain point during the week I went from thinking I look great with my new hair cut and down 40 or so pounds to thinking am I really that ugly and will I be alone forever. How someone can turn this around so quickly after such short time is beyond me but I've managed to do it for a long long time. I have never though of myself as pretty, beautiful, cute, or hot. Insert which ever word you would use to describe some one as attractive yourself. I've never even thought of myself as plain, ordinary, or average. I've always lumped myself in that group of unfortunate souls who have not been blessed with good skin, hair, bone structure genetics etc etc etc all combined into a steaming pile of fugly.

Why do I feel like this? It's not for lack of my parents ever having tried to instill that I am their beautiful daughter. Nor is it even a lack of ever having had girlfriends compliment my hair, skin, clothes and all of that shallow crap that we deem makes us attractive. It all (I believe) comes from the fact that I have never ever and I mean NEVER EVER received any sort of attention from men or any one man that has made me feel wanted and beautiful.

I have never had a boyfriend in all of my 25 years I know some will say "You're still so young! There's lots of time for that!" Cause yes I've heard it all before I know that there is lots of time but what if in that time I never do find some one. It's hard not to lose hope when you just want to be loved. I've told you all before that I'm a rare occurance as a 25 year old virgin and I'm well aware that there are other women my age who are virgin's but I'd have to guess it is usually because they want to wait. I've told people that in the past that I've shared this with it's because I want to wait. Way to "smile and nod" and hide the truth Leslee! Thing is I've never even been given the chance to lose my virginity if I wanted to. Here's where it gets worse.

Remember that movie maybe about ten years ago with Drew Barrymore called "Never Been Kissed." We all laughed, hell I laughed could you imagine a woman that age who had never been kissed pathetic huh? Turns out I became that woman. I can hear your jaws hitting the floor by the way pick em up it's not very becoming.

I'm depressed. I'm in a slump. I'm terrified. I'm managing to talk myself in circles in my head all the time, every minute of the day. Friend keep asking me what's wrong cause I seem pre-occupied. I am! I have no one to talk to! I've got friends, a couple from college, one from my childhood neighborhood and a handle from work. But no one who I've ever divulged any of this to because I don't feel close enough to anyone or comfortable to share. I'm afraid that people will laugh in my face and talk behind my back. I'm scared and alone.

I wanted to lose the weight because I thought that maybe just maybe then someone might find me beautiful enough to think about being my friend or spending their life with me. Well I'm about half way to my goal and nothing much has changed. The scared innocent girl inside of me is still there. I'm sitting in the corner watching all the cool kids have fun still. My weight has held me back from experiencing things when you are supposed to in your life. I'm ten years behind my peers as far as relationships and dating goes. I should not be terrified that if god forbid I did get asked on a date that I wouldn't go because I'd be afraid to get kissed and be found out.

It's times like these where I used to hide behind my fat and food. The fat is melting away and I don't have the only relationship I'd ever had anyone, with food. What does that leave me with: me home alone on a saturday night, crying because I'm scared to live and enjoy life because I haven't experienced so much of what it has to offer.

I'm sorry for being such a downer and a drama queen. I just needed to get this out. I'm going to go curl up on the couch and watch the Notebook and cry it all out hopefully. It doesn't help that we're on like our second week straight of constant rain and the dull and dreariness is usually enough to make me cry on its own. Most of this was probably completely incoherent since I'm a rambler and can't follow my own thoughts cause they happen too fast and in too many directions. Hopefully someone out there can understand or relate or even offer some advice to myself or even someone else they think might be feeling a little low. Instead of asking them if anything is wrong do them a favor and just go and give them a big hug cause right now if anyone else asks me if everything is all right once more I might break into tears in front of them and a hug is all I really need.
3 Responses
  1. Fluffy Says:

    Leslee - I ask this with the most sincerity: Do you love yourself? Do you think you are worthy of someone loving you? If somewhere inside yourself you aren't able to answer YES to both questions, it might be part of the stumbling block. I think that it somehow subconsciously radiates out in a lack of confidence, etc. (BTW - You should and you are worthy. I know this for a fact!) Something to ponder...Hang in there - I know you'll get this all figured out!

  2. Drazil Says:

    Keep up the soul searching. And my friend I'm pretty sure there are thousands of things worse than never been kissed and being a virgin. I'm also pretty sure many women would give anything to have that on their resume. I'm impressed...and in no way horrified. When it's right, it's right...and it'll happen. Period. When you least expect it - there it will be. And if you want it this badly then put yourself out there and search for it and find it. Online, going out, go out of your comfort zone...do what it takes to make YOU happy and put YOU first....cuz my dear life is short...and you have the power within you. Be well.

  3. Girl Bandit Says:

    I agree with Fluffy...I hear hate and self loathing and I am not sure where it comes from....I have seenpics of you and you are perfectly beautiful!!! Maybe you haven't met anyone worthy??? I would write a list to start to get out there a bit more...perhaps one day you will talk to someone in the checkout line, or ring a friend you haven't spokenm to in a while....just little steps to building your confidence and see that you have heaps to offer. No shame in never being kissed and I loved that movie with Drew.....Learn to love you...maybe even get some counselling ..that challenged me to see myself as how others saw me.....(((hugs))))

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