Well... I guess a formerly fluffy god mother. An extra big thanks to Fluffy who not only is my 30th follower she also forced me to take a step back from yesterday's a-bomb of a post and re-assess.

She asked some tough and extremely valid questions of me that we should all do periodically I think.
1) Do you love yourself?
Yes, I do love myself. I think what everyone read yesterday was me at rock bottom. I've slept it off and had a nice long bath to wash away my tear hangover. I do love me. I love that for the most part I am confident being me whether or not I am alone. There are lots of qualities in myself that I truly believe I possess that make me the person I am. In no particular order I love that I am: kind, caring, humorous (at times), blond (yes you read that right) and have green eyes (not blue!), good at cooking/baking/knitting/crocheting/painting insert any crafty method here, true to friendships, honest, spontaneous at times, helpful and the list could go on.
2) Do you think you are worthy of someone loving you?
Yes again. I KNOW that I am worthy of someone loving me. The part where I get upset and end up writing and saying everything from yesterday is how come as of yet no one has seen all of these qualities in me and loved me? I don't think I'm unapproachable there must be someone out there who has looked at me and thought that I'm attractive and that they could like me so why in 25 years has no one ever expressed this? Why why why? I'm not about to be the one doing the pursuing I think that if someone is interested in me they are going to take the first step.
I don't know! I'm confused just totally and completely confused!

On another topic and completely un-related to yesterdays drama. The scale this morning was a rather pleasant surprise. I know it's only because it was a morning weigh in and I haven't eaten much the last few days and been really busy/active but (drum roll please)...... 164.5 pounds! I'm trying to remember when I last weighed this much. Yup can't remember. So here's what I do know. When I graduated high school at 18 years old (so 7 years ago) I was a size 10/12 on the bottom and L on top. Today I'm sporting size 14 jeans belt necessary and might need to go shopping again since I bought them about 10 pounds ago and an XL on top. Now I'm not sure the XL on top will change since I've been blessed (if we can call it that) with a pretty big chest. Although that top I showed in my post last week the green one from the gap is a large and not toooo tight in the chest so with some tummy toning I might eventually be able to wear a large. I have way way way more energy. Sometimes I even catch myself in the afternoon going to look at the clock and thinking "This day will never end" because I still have energy so I expect it to be 1:30 or 2:00 only when in reality it turns out to be more like 4:00 or 4:30ish. It's a nice surprise!

Tomorrow night I'm doing my first ever Partylite show for my friend A from college. I'm excited and nervous all at once. But I've just got to remember that I love the product and if I let this show then others will too!

Hope everyone is enjoying the rest of their weekends. It's finally sunny out here thank god!!! I'm going to get sit out on my deck and get some sunshine!

I haven't been posting much lately mostly cause of the whole "If you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all." But tonight I'm gonna tell little thumper to screw cause I need to get some stuff off my chest and talk/write it out to myself and maybe get some clarity or peace of mind.

I've just really felt kind of low for the past 3 or 4 weeks. I can't even pin point one specific moment or incident that may have fueled this but I just kind of feel craptastic. I kind of thought maybe this was turning around at the beginning of the week after I'd gotten my hair done because all the attention I was getting from having a fabulous colour and cut was making me feel beautiful and maybe even a bit wanted. But that didn't last long. It's so vain and self involved of me to think that a hair cut and do all this but I did/do not sure which yet. People I don't talk with much were complimenting me and I've been getting second looks wherever I go.

At a certain point during the week I went from thinking I look great with my new hair cut and down 40 or so pounds to thinking am I really that ugly and will I be alone forever. How someone can turn this around so quickly after such short time is beyond me but I've managed to do it for a long long time. I have never though of myself as pretty, beautiful, cute, or hot. Insert which ever word you would use to describe some one as attractive yourself. I've never even thought of myself as plain, ordinary, or average. I've always lumped myself in that group of unfortunate souls who have not been blessed with good skin, hair, bone structure genetics etc etc etc all combined into a steaming pile of fugly.

Why do I feel like this? It's not for lack of my parents ever having tried to instill that I am their beautiful daughter. Nor is it even a lack of ever having had girlfriends compliment my hair, skin, clothes and all of that shallow crap that we deem makes us attractive. It all (I believe) comes from the fact that I have never ever and I mean NEVER EVER received any sort of attention from men or any one man that has made me feel wanted and beautiful.

I have never had a boyfriend in all of my 25 years I know some will say "You're still so young! There's lots of time for that!" Cause yes I've heard it all before I know that there is lots of time but what if in that time I never do find some one. It's hard not to lose hope when you just want to be loved. I've told you all before that I'm a rare occurance as a 25 year old virgin and I'm well aware that there are other women my age who are virgin's but I'd have to guess it is usually because they want to wait. I've told people that in the past that I've shared this with it's because I want to wait. Way to "smile and nod" and hide the truth Leslee! Thing is I've never even been given the chance to lose my virginity if I wanted to. Here's where it gets worse.

Remember that movie maybe about ten years ago with Drew Barrymore called "Never Been Kissed." We all laughed, hell I laughed could you imagine a woman that age who had never been kissed pathetic huh? Turns out I became that woman. I can hear your jaws hitting the floor by the way pick em up it's not very becoming.

I'm depressed. I'm in a slump. I'm terrified. I'm managing to talk myself in circles in my head all the time, every minute of the day. Friend keep asking me what's wrong cause I seem pre-occupied. I am! I have no one to talk to! I've got friends, a couple from college, one from my childhood neighborhood and a handle from work. But no one who I've ever divulged any of this to because I don't feel close enough to anyone or comfortable to share. I'm afraid that people will laugh in my face and talk behind my back. I'm scared and alone.

I wanted to lose the weight because I thought that maybe just maybe then someone might find me beautiful enough to think about being my friend or spending their life with me. Well I'm about half way to my goal and nothing much has changed. The scared innocent girl inside of me is still there. I'm sitting in the corner watching all the cool kids have fun still. My weight has held me back from experiencing things when you are supposed to in your life. I'm ten years behind my peers as far as relationships and dating goes. I should not be terrified that if god forbid I did get asked on a date that I wouldn't go because I'd be afraid to get kissed and be found out.

It's times like these where I used to hide behind my fat and food. The fat is melting away and I don't have the only relationship I'd ever had anyone, with food. What does that leave me with: me home alone on a saturday night, crying because I'm scared to live and enjoy life because I haven't experienced so much of what it has to offer.

I'm sorry for being such a downer and a drama queen. I just needed to get this out. I'm going to go curl up on the couch and watch the Notebook and cry it all out hopefully. It doesn't help that we're on like our second week straight of constant rain and the dull and dreariness is usually enough to make me cry on its own. Most of this was probably completely incoherent since I'm a rambler and can't follow my own thoughts cause they happen too fast and in too many directions. Hopefully someone out there can understand or relate or even offer some advice to myself or even someone else they think might be feeling a little low. Instead of asking them if anything is wrong do them a favor and just go and give them a big hug cause right now if anyone else asks me if everything is all right once more I might break into tears in front of them and a hug is all I really need.

I went and got my hair done yesterday! It is such a relief to have some of those skraggly extra inches gone and so nice to no longer have roots nearly 4 inches long. So I present you with pre and post hair pictures today:

I had planned on going to Polo Park and doing some shopping after getting my hair done but that didn't exactly happen. I kinda forgot how it usually takes 2-3 hours to make my hair look like that and there was an electrician coming over at 3:00 to do some stuff. I've had to put my shopping plans on hold until next week. I could have gone today but I just wanted a lazy Sunday on the couch so that's what I've done.

After I put on all my weight I got rid of most of my clothes cause I didn't want to keep stuff I couldn't wear. It really upset me to see clothes hanging in my closet that I liked but couldn't wear because I didn't have enough will power. There were a few pieces that I did save cause I really liked them and had bought them at a time when I had lost some weight and was fitting into a size 12 and feeling good about myself. I decided to try on one of the tops (from Gap) and one of the skirts (from American Eagle) the other day just to see. I took some front and side shots with and without sucking in my gut.