And what a Monday it was. You know how you hate Mondays and always dread how they just seem to keep happening. Whether it's back to work or long-standing appointments everyone has something they hate about Mondays but at the end of the day it usually doesn't turn out nearly as bad as you seem to think it should be. Most of the time. I today had a true Monday where everything was turned upside down and topsy turvy and reminded me that sometimes I don't love my job. I do for the most part love my job and have it scheduled and worked out to a tee that keeps me sane. That is until the boss shows up monday morning in his own state of panic because there is a grant due in two weeks and experiments must be finished this week and whatever work and experiments I had planned need to be shuffled off for another time. I love consistency. I thrive on organization and planning so needless to say this morning when this happened I entered this zone of complete anxiety and therefore stupidity. All of a sudden the things I am so good at I can not even comprehend. I walked back into the lab with what I'm sure was a look of sheer terror on my face and attempted to do some calculations but ended up staring at a blank piece of paper, pencil in hand until one of the graduate students woke me out of my panic coma and got me a cup of tea.
Once I got past all of this, the day was fine. It did however remind me that no amount of organization and preparation will ever keep me from experiencing a true Monday.
And on more lap band related news tomorrow is my consultation! I decided instead of trying to rush back and forth from work I would just use my overtime hours to cover the whole day. So my appointment is at one o'clock, my Mom is going with me for support and act as an extra set of ears as well as another "interogator" acting in my best interest.

I've been thinking quite a bit the last couple of days about who I will tell if I do get the band. Like so many other people I find that everything socially inevitably is food associated. Even at work I find that food is a problem. There are 16 people in our lab so obviously more than one birthday a month to contend with cake and ice cream. Monthly meetings where lunch is provided usually is pizza or thai food and lots of people who just like to cook or bake and bring food for everyone to try. It can be a lot to deal with and no wonder I have difficulty with my weight. When ever I do something with my girls there are some staples: dinner, movie (must have popcorn with M&M's and licorice apparently), coffee, or the bar (liquid calories). So it seems that I will be adjusting my life style habits quite a bit. But do I tell anyone whats going on?
I know for a fact that at work eyebrows are going to be raised when I say "No thankyou" to food. And coupled with the fact that I will hopefully be losing weight people will become suspicious because they won't see me eating a whole lot. Do I tell them or do I keep it my personal business. It's tricky because I few of the people in the lab I am actually really close friends with.
I don't have a problem telling my family. We are all pretty close. I have two older brothers and a sister-in-law as well as two nephews. I know for a fact that both of my parents are very supportive and are willing to do whatever it takes to help me through this. I am sure that the rest of my family will be just as supportive. As a matter of fact my sister-in-law has a cousin who underwent gastric by pass several years ago and I know that she was very supportive of her.
So I guess until I know for sure what will be happening I can't make a definitive decision. Until then it's a wait and see.

In a little over a month I'm turning 24 years old. I always thought that 22 would be my year but things out of my control such as my Mother's struggle with Breast Cancer prevented that. I decided that 23 would be my 22 instead. I was going to accomplish things I'd always wanted to do and become my best self. In January of 2008 I made my first real trip on my own to Cuba to attend a friends wedding. I had a great time... if I ignored the fact that I was extremely ashamed of the way I looked and the weight I had let myself get to.
In the past I've tried several different diet/weight loss programs. I successfully lost weight with the South Beach diet but puck it all back on plus more. I've done Weight Watchers but without any real success. I thought it was time to start something new. In Cuba I watched my friend walk down the aisle 50 pounds lighter and happier thanks to U Weight Loss. It was expensive but can you put a price on your health and happiness so upon my return home I signed up. It was fantastic at first maybe because with any new program you are extremely motivated. I lost 28 pounds, almost halfway to my goal at that time. I visited my brother for the first time in 3 years and was proud of the way I looked except I was hungry! Eventually I became disenchanted with the program and the staff. Who were these people that kept telling me exactly what to eat, how much of it, consume upwards of 15 supplements a day and to devote all of my spare time to meal preparation and exercise. I wanted to scream and tell them to leave me alone! I was suffocating under the strict food preparation and exercise and hungry all the time. I could not do it anymore. I wasn't happy. I did not have time to do the things that made me happy despite the fact that at one point I thought losing the weight alone would fix that.
At my most recent weigh in (23Dec08 at my annual check-up) I'm sitting at 206 pounds, a heavy load for my 5'3" frame. I am still down 12 pounds from my all time heaviest but in fact according to the BMI I am extremely obese, and I feel this way too. I am afraid that if I keep on this path I will be back or above my heaviest. I will encounter the same problems as my Mother in years to come: diabetes, still obese, multiple joint replacements due to stress on joints from weight, and potentially having survived (or not) cancer. I CAN NOT LET THIS HAPPEN!
Enter the Lap Band system. I had been reading about it for months now and finally got over myself and talk to my Mom about it. I suppose I was expecting an adverse reaction mostly because I myself kind of thought it would be the easy way out... but is it? I'd already spent thousands of dollars trying to fix this problem without any results. I'm young and not living my life to it's greatest potential because of this so how is this the easy way out? It's not! It will still be a struggle to overcome my eating habits and self image issues but I will have the help of the lap band to get me there.
With my parents encouragement and support I've booked a consultation. It is scheduled for the 20-Jan. I truly believe that I am a good condidate for this and hope that the surgical team agrees. I can't wait to have the appointment, get all of the information and hopefully book a surgery date so that maybe I can make 24 and the rest of my life what I really want them to be.
If anyone is even reading this feel free to leave comments! And there will be more to come soon as I approach the consultation date and hopefully the surgery. I would really like to commit to this blog as a way of dealing with/vocalizing my feelings surrounding this. I've never been fantastic at communicating but have always kept a journal and a blog seemed like the natural thing to do.
Lots of Love - Les